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August 30, 2025

I really wish I felt nostalgic and good about recovery and the year after in transition. Except I was not like the other women going through. For me, it was not a sanctuary. It was institutionalization with leadership who did not understand that they were reinforcing everything within me that had led me to become an alcoholic. I understand that it was what was needed for the other women. I didn't have the same testimony as any of them. I hadn't been into hard drugs, hadn't been in and out of prison, hadn't been brought back to life with Narcan. And hardened into a defiant, self-reliant being because of it all.

I was traumatized by my childhood with a mother who abused and discarded me in the midst of the worst of my addiction. She never bothered to try to help. And, unlike the women I went through recovery with, I had never committed a crime, stolen from my family, or burned any bridges in my addiction.

They definitely, a lot of them, needed the very strict boundaries and would often rail against them at the outset. I did not. I struggled with being hypervigilant when authority was harsh, PTSD responses to conflict that sent me spiraling back into strong need to drink, and the intense, self-harming drive to be perfect in order to avoid being in the middle of anything unpleasant whatsoever.

Those women had families who were incredibly beyond elated their loved one was in recovery. My mother felt ashamed of me and only visited to make sure I was being punished enough.

And punished I definitely was. Recovery was extreme bootcamp for me. If I had not had God through it all, I would not have survived the place where so many women remember fondly.

For me it was a serious struggle to work through every single thing that leadership triggered in me by appearing to be exactly like my mother (or worse) which had led me to my addiction in the first place.

I wish I looked back fondly. The only thing I look back and think is that I am grateful God was with me through it or I would've lost my entire mind. And I'm so glad He gave me my husband during the transition year to keep me from ending up in the psych ward. Sigh.

I literally had to parent myself and grow up during recovery in the middle of what felt like daily trauma. I came out of recovery with exacerbated PTSD (yes, I have an actual diagnosis). Then I went through a transition year with it made even worse. Only to hop straight into the insanity that was the heart of my family's disfunction and darkness because my mother hates me so actively that she did not even try to warn me.

Thank God, Alex brought me to Texas when he did.

I don't think I've even thought about how much heaped onto me over the last few years of my addiction that then swept on into my life like a tidal wave afterward. God gave me so much time to rest but I am still sharp with prickles from a lot of it and, apparently, a bit bitter too. Which is definitely something He and I will need to work on. It's no wonder I fell off the wagon though, thankfully, I've been sober almost a year now. Can I just get a break and not feel stressed? I just want a quiet job and a quiet life. Is that so much to ask?

PS: If you read any of that and thought I was saying, because my experience was different from the other women, that I think I'm better than they are, skip it. I've heard that nonsense before and all it does it belittle what I went through. Which you do not get to do. I am simply stating that, because I didn't have the same experiences, the one size fits all way recovery and transition were run actually could have, without God, caused me more severe damage than what led me there in the first place. I wish I had fond memories. I don't.

I didn't find peace. I didn't make friends. I didn't form a support network.

It was hell.

Thank God for God and for Alex.

 

August 29, 2025

Children are now committing suicide at the behest of ChatGPT because it doesn't actually think. It's not artificial intelligence. It's a large language model programmed by humans. With all kinds of failures because humans are fallible. Can we stop now with all of the fearmongering that AI will take over? It isn't AI and it's not taking over. ChatGPT needs some serious re-thinking and to be removed from public access until that happens. Period. End of.

 

August 28, 2025

Purity culture is absolutely toxic and I reject it. You might be asking what it is well, it's a bunch of things.

And you're thinking, wait, aren't you a Christian? Aren't these things Biblical?

Yes and yes.

However.

Purity culture is almost exclusively directed at women - most especially teenagers. It puts a woman's worth in her purity and makes her responsible, not only for herself, but for men as well. It uses:

None of which fits into what the Bible talks about purity.

Purity itself is a moral guideline for Christians to live within. Because it provides the safety and blessings God wanted for His children. It's the context in which sexual intimacy was intended by God. So that marriage would be a special, protected union only between the man and the woman within it.

To teach your children about respecting themselves and their future spouse by being pure, modest, sexually boundaried? It's a very good thing.

To teach your little girls that if they show an inch of skin too much they are going to make men think sexually about them and tempt them into sin is far far more weight than any little girl could ever carry. And it protects sinful men to continue in their sin by saying they just had no choice. The girl showed a little too much skin.

Is modesty Biblical? Yes. Should we, as women, be mindful not to cause lust with our bodies? Yes. We should respect ourselves and others around us and not give away things that are meant to be private for our (future) spouses.

So I reject purity culture. I do not reject purity as a moral high ground. But I reject a culture that lays so much weight on little girls, causes fear and shame, and has no grounding in God's grace and plan for our lives. Purity culture is Pharisaical. It's a bunch of man-made rules surrounding good and moral things God intended. And when man messes with what God has said, He doesn't look kindly on it.

 

August 27, 2025

I look forward to hopefully having someone to pray together with soon.

 

August 26, 2025

I watched a video about a woman who (allegedly though the forensics suggests very strongly) murdered two of her three children, her husband, and herself. Her husband apparently got a rare cancer and there were a lot of moving parts. Some of which sounded like they could cancel each other out. If he took one medication that could give him a great chance at the outset but wasn't promised to work, he would not be allowed to take other medication later that had a better chance of working because it had been around longer. Or something like that. It sounded like one of those situations where you might begin to feel you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. No matter what you do, you're going to lose. And she seemed like, from the myriad videos she posted to TikTok, she was a person who was very much in need of controlling situations around her to feel sane. Your husband getting cancer is definitely not a situation you can control and feeling like you lose no matter what you do must have been an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

That being said, I cannot imagine killing my children. I cannot imagine killing my husband. I cannot imagine killing myself. I cannot fathom what could ever ever bring a person to destroy so many lives. The life of their third child is forever altered because they will never know anyone from their family except extended family. They'll grow up with the stigma of "Aren't you the one whose mom killed your brothers and your dad and then herself?"

I cannot imagine taking the lives of children who are healthy and will absolutely survive the death of their father if it were to come to that. I cannot imagine deciding to play God over my husband and take his choices away. I cannot imagine thinking that the answer was ever that I needed to kill a bunch of people I love and then myself.

I am struggling with thinking she is a monster. That I do not care what her mental state was because, according to everything we saw in her videos, she had a massive support system. I do not care what her mental state was because killing anyone is never an answer unless it is in defense. Of yourself or your loved ones or whoever.

I just. I cannot. The way it feels just so evil. And maybe she was influenced by demonic forces. I don't know. I just. How?

I would be absolutely devastated if my husband had cancer. It apparently changed his personality. I think I would go through such incredible grief to have lost the man I love even if there were treatments and the possibility of beating it. It would be so hard.

But never could I ever imagine killing anyone over it. What a horrible waste. It's outrageous. I'm so angry.

 

August 25, 2025

Just some thoughts.

 

     

 

August 23, 2025

Protectiveness is a trait of a good man.

Alex shows it in ways that are steady and genuine. It is not control. It is not manipulation dressed as care. It is the quiet assurance that he values me enough to shield me where he can, and to stand beside me when life gets difficult.

I see it in the way he makes sure I feel safe and supported, and I see it in how he responds to Sylvie’s trust. When she sprawls on her back, belly exposed and throat open to his touch, he longs to protect her and keep her safe. And if she lets out a plaintive meow, forget it. He has to be sure she is okay.

He never uses protectiveness as a way to dominate or keep me small. He creates an environment where I feel safe to be myself, knowing he will step in if needed, yet trusts me to handle what I can. His strength is calm and constant, never cruel or conditional.

True protectiveness is not loud. Alex shows it in small decisions, in quiet moments, and in the willingness to carry a burden that is not his alone. It is never about proving power. It is about making sure neither I nor Sylvie ever feel alone in whatever we carry.

 

August 22, 2025

Growing up attending a Christian, college prep school, I was in a competitive, religious setting for the majority of my life. Not only was school that way, but so was my home life. I trained for and won extracurricular competitions. I knew my books of the Bible and how to thumb to them quickly for Sword Drills. We were taught that cheating was grounds for disciplinary action but also that it meant we would fall behind our peers because we weren't learning it ourselves.

In a tiny school, that was incredibly important. Especially for someone like me who didn't come from a wealthy background like the rest of the kids in my grade. No, I was on scholarship. There was no possible way that I could get into college if I didn't have the grades to win further scholarships. I was doomed if I didn't bust my butt learning and training and knowing.

And performing.

I still remember being in Alabama visiting family and going to a Sunday School there with a cousin. She helped another girl in the class figure out where to find a Bible verse and I felt sick to my stomach seeing it happen. It was ingrained almost down to the DNA that it was cheating. I couldn't even see the bigger picture of the fact that this was Sunday School, not Bible class. I chided them and got the dirtiest look in response. "We help each other here," the girl informed me and ignored me the rest of the day. Cousin wasn't super impressed either.

Why, yes, I do remember every single time I've been rejected by other girls/women.

Joke was on everyone though. My narcissist mom who pushed me so hard, motivating me with humiliation and shame, to get the grades? She didn't actually want me to go to college. She sabotaged my chances, refused to help in any way, and told me I wouldn't fit in.

So, while I can still thumb to exactly where Romans 8:28 is in my Bible with only a few page turns, I never did go to college. I worked instead. Interestingly enough, I'd be better off with a Bachelor's Degree in Ancient Sumerian Poetry Analysis or Vacuum Cleaner Dust Particle Theory than all those years of work experience. Probably could've at least gone to Community College for one of those.

 

August 21, 2025

They say it's easy to blame others for your problems. What's difficult is taking accountability for your own choices and actions. Which I try to do. I'm trying to do that right now. Yet, I cannot see how I did anything to be accountable for that led me to be where I am right now. If I could, I'd be working on it. If you know me, I'm my own, most biting critic. I am always working on bettering myself. Trying to sand off the edges. Fix the broken cracks created by things others did to me. Fix the fact that I started off life disadvantaged in the family department and figure out how to create a new family that is healthy and caring.

I don't know what more I can be doing. I don't know what I missed. But I missed something. Some aspect of who I am is not right. Wish me luck in figuring it out. I'm so tired of the game of trying to be perfect but here I go again.

 

August 20, 2025

I look for people I know will never appear. I pray for people I don't think will ever change. But I know God does miracles and He says to pray. And so I do. I dream of things that I will never do or see. I forget things I don't want to remember and recolor images in my mind of things I'd rather see differently. Which is not to say that I lie to myself. I simply slip a transparent sheet over it and make it prettier. Cover the ugliness that is beneath without removing it completely. You don't want to remove the ugliness completely or you don't remember what to watch out for when faced with it again.

I am grateful God still listens to me. Some days I think there's nothing I haven't said already to Him. Yet He still listens. He still wants to hear what I have to say even though He knew what I would say eons before I was ever born. I am a miniscule blip in the timeline of eternity.

But He knows me inside and out and He loves me. He wants to hear from me. Every day. All day.

He doesn't run away when my feelings run down my face in tears. He doesn't tell me I'm childish or turn off His love when He thinks what I've done is stupid. He isn't my mother.

Thank God, God is not my mother.

 

August 19, 2025

Alex, read this later when you're more awake.

I'm tired of hearing about the woman who knowingly married a pedophile who is now on trial. Her little weird idea that straw man fallacies protect her is almost humorous. She tells anyone who calls her out for supporting this man, saying from her own mouth that she knows what he did and what he is, that they are ugly and probably unhappy in their marriage. Can I punch her in the face. The sheer lack of empathy and full-blown obvious narcissism is unbelievable. Those children are irreparably scarred for life. He not only consumed the content that he is on trial over now, but he UPLOADED IT HIMSELF. And not just a couple images. Over 300 images of CSAM. I read some of the charges myself. The things that were in the images he uploaded are absolutely devastating. A woman who can love, support, and defend a man like that deserves to go to prison as well. She has no humanity, no heart. And she's helping him by clearing his internet history, etc. I just cannot. The evil that runs rampant in this world knows no bounds. I'm heartsick and I don't want to hear anymore about this. I am praying for each little soul drenched in darkness and pain over this man's sick excuse for a life.

Bring back public stoning.

 

August 18, 2025

AI psychosis is a real thing. I read an article about a man who lost 300 hours of his life to late night chats with ChatGPT who convinced him he'd discovered a brand new math. Somehow, during this conversation, he realized that the fate of the world was in his hands because time and space were crumbling -- or something like that. He called people, alerted them to what was happening. And then found out it was all BS because ChatGPT had kissed his ass.

There's a woman going viral on TikTok for similar things. She fell for her psychiatrist. She spun an entire narrative in her head that he had put her through an intense power dynamic and she'd been victimized. ChatGPT affirmed her beliefs. And now this man has been doxxed and she's continuing to make videos about all of the extremely predatory things she said and did to him before claiming he victimized her. All the while never touching her or even interacting with her outside of the 2 times a month he saw her for like 20 minutes at a time. Over Zoom. Yeah.

People, stop doxxing strangers on the internet for the clout.

And stop encouraging delulu, predatory women on the internet. SMDH

So I told ChatGPT that Sylvie started talking to me in real words. And, thought it decided that perhaps it should at least mention pareidolia, it basically went along with me. "That's peak Sylvie!" it said. I imagined the a chipper tone and a smug smile.

Oh, ChatGPT, you so crazy.

That being said. I do have a lot of instances of pareidolia in my life. Interestingly enough, when your brain processes stimuli alongside memory and creativity, at a very fast pace, you can be sure you saw or heard all kinds of things until the rest of you catches up. And realize it was just a box from the corner of your eye and not someone crawling around the corner toward you on the floor like some girl from a horror movie. Legit have done that and nearly had a heart attack. Stood straight up and screamed. Then laughed myself silly.

 

 

August 16, 2025

I randomly had a memory about my mother having a conversation with me when I was a young adult. She was apparently fairly self-aware at a younger age and didn't realize what she was telling me at the time. What she shared was a survival mechanism her brain created due to the trauma she'd experienced. I can't remember who she told me shut it down, but I don't think they actually did. I think she still does this to this day.

What she told me is that, when she was younger, her brain processed her emotions so fast that it was like she could see them coming and then, zoom, they were behind her. Her nervous system never even picked up on what was happening, it seemed. She simply could, without actually feeling the feelings yet, see something coming that was going to be upsetting, and her brain processed all of it into a neat little package and stored it somewhere else. Before she really had a chance to think or process consciously what had happened or how she felt about it.

What she described is a trauma response. A literal one. One that I have done myself in the past though not to that extent. But she still does it. Even though she told me that someone made her aware of it and she tried to stop it because she either was told or just believed it wasn't healthy.

She didn't stop.

To this day, this woman will see something on the horizon that might damage her self-image and her mind reacts instantaneously. She's already re-written the story, the dialogue, the whatever. And it's now fact in her mind. It protects her ego which is stuck in a very child-like place and has been her entire life. She cannot handle anything that rocks the boat in her world so her brain just processes it out the other side as a reality that fits what she can handle. It's so bizarre but I get it. I get it.

 

August 15, 2025

I rarely get sick, but when I do, it feels like the apocalypse has happened inside my cranium. While Annika was visiting, we made the very poor decision to go to one of the largest malls in Texas during tax-free weekend. So (not literally but it felt like) every single person in the state showed up. With their children. And somehow I caught some kind of cold. I think I'm a little funny when I'm sick. The way I sound is monstrous and the way I look is like a paper bag that was blown into and then popped. I'm resting and drinking copious amounts of water and devouring a book.

I had no idea how addicting it could be reading about women who banded together to uncover the identity of a nasty catfish. Especially because, even though I was not catfished, I empathized with them on how the catfish treated them. I've been treated the same way. It's sad what people will do to other people.

And never take accountability. They never look back at the things they said and did and realize that it was wrong. And, regardless of the reasons they did it and the intention they had at the outset, they hurt someone. Deeply.

They don't care.

Some people are nasty, abusive, wastes of space. Apparently the catfish now works as a gynecologist in the state of NJ. Who would trust this person? Clearly there is an intense psychological mess happening there. I would not trust them to do what's best for me as a doctor. Not for a second. Thank goodness I do not live in NJ anymore.

 

August 14, 2025

Today's blog post is here.

 

August 13, 2025

So, yesterday's movie was probably one of the best horror films I've ever seen. If not, the best. It was marketed in such a way that I was figuring it was going to be one thing but it took a hard left turn and went down a completely different road. One that was creative, fresh, and absolutely fantastic. I will definitely be looking out for this writer/director to make more movies. The reason I was a little unsure about it to begin with was, other than the marketing, this writer/director did a previous movie that really was just gross to me. Everything leading up to the reveal of the monster was great. The monster? Disgoostin'.

I'm tired of having to nearly spoil myself on books these days to find out whether or not I'm going to be surprised by graphic depictions of sexual assault or sexual content of any sort. We need some content warnings. I am VERY aware that my triggers are mine to manage. I'd like some ability to manage them without spoiling the entire book. K? Thanks.

And those wanting to label me a prude for not wanting to read spice? Sorry, but I am NOT a voyeur. That's not a kink I have. It doesn't make me a prude not to want to peek in people's windows while they are having sex. In fact, doing so in real life would make me a criminal. The fact you feel so threatened by my choice NOT to read smut that you name-call says more about you than me. You feel guilty about doing it. Maybe stop doing it if that's the case. Leave me and my desire to have a cleaner mind alone. Love ya!

 

August 12, 2025

My brain is a bit fried today. I think the weekend has thrown me off a lot. My social battery is still attempting to be refilled. Little did we know that this weekend was tax-free weekend so our plans to spend time at the mall were very ill-timed. Everyone was there. Every single person in the state of Texas was at the mall for tax-free weekend. You'd think, having lived the last 4-5 years in states that do this, I would remember and think about it. But no. I never remember and I never think about it. And I end up in retail spaces with every living being in the state running around trying to buy everything. And the worst thing about this is that I don't plan to buy anything. So I am simply in the way. All. The. Time. Which, if you know me, is a pet peeve. Being made to feel like I am in the way non-stop. I could rant for awhile on this topic but I'll spare even myself.

Alex rarely chooses the movie we see at the theater on his own. He's done it today and I am concerned. I hope it'll be a good movie. At least I know that it'll be fun to be at the theater. We always enjoy that together. We'll see.

 

August 11, 2025

I put my baby on the plane back home and it was so very bittersweet. The time spent is what I value the most and I felt like we didn't get enough. I am so proud of her and so blessed to be her mom though.

That being said, I have had more than enough of being in the car for awhile. And finding out what the tolls were just to drive around the city here and there? My mind is blown. Astronomical. It's a racket. They are doing so much construction to expand the infrastructure to accommodate the sheer number of people moving here from other states that the express lanes are the only way to get anywhere in a normal time frame. Then they charge an arm and a leg to use them. Ridiculous. I've had enough.

 

     

 

August 9, 2025

 

August 8, 2025

I keep hearing a lot of women, younger than me, complaining about men not approaching them. Where have all the good men gone. I'm sad they don't hit on me anymore. What happened? I can tell you, beyond the fact that intersectional feminism has turned women into men and men not being interested in dating themselves, there's just one big problem for those women.

I found and claimed the best one. Now there's just a shortage. The rest are in hiding and mine is safely tucked away in suburbia with me, living the best life.

You're going to just have to make do, ladies, with what I've left behind. You might just have to handle the fact that your ideals are based on romance novels and tv shows about sex and not on reality. You might just have to figure out the fact that men aren't as interested in peeling back the layers upon layers of fake in the form of makeup, false lashes, shapewear, and everything you do to dress up and look high maintenance for your girlfriends. It's possible that your need to shove politics and your girl boss nonsense into everything is off-putting.

Men are built to be providers and protectors. If you provide it all for yourself and you scream at him for being naturally protective, what's he going to bring to the relationship? Money? Sex? Grow up. That's not a relationship. That's a hookup. And you cannot cry that there are no men who want to settle down and get married if you're on Tinder scrolling. Men looking to get married aren't on dating apps. They aren't hooking up. They aren't there to fund your princess lifestyle.

And this isn't about trad wives. That's just rage bait on the internet. No one really lives like that. But it could be more closely related to traditional roles. As in, not some kind of patriarchy BS, but leaning into how you were created naturally to behave and think. As in being feminine and a woman, natural and real. Not subservient, not property. Equal but opposite in the relationship. Just as valuable, just as important. But, say it with me, different. Not masculine.

That's how I snagged the best one myself and he's busy just being his true, sexy, masculine self. I think there are more out there like him. He's not a dying breed. Men like him have just stopped being interested in what the women of today are presenting, demanding, and trying to force on them.

I said what I said.

 

August 7, 2025

I have found that I truly enjoy being the mother of an adult child. I can watch her do her thing, live and grow, and admire her. She is at a place in her life that I never was at her age. Doing things I never had the capacity to do because of how I had been raised. But I look at her and I am proud of her. I am proud of her life choices. I am proud of her hustle. I am proud of the way she manages her money and has carved out a spot for herself at work where she is absolutely valued by her boss and her team. And I know that if she ever takes a risk, it's calculated. If the risk turns out to have failed, she has a support system to catch her. A safety net to get her back on her feet. Something that I never had. I decided that I wanted to raise a child I wanted to be around and I succeeded. And, with that decision, came also the decision to be the parent to her that I always wished I had. I do not enable her. She is not dependent on me. But she knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have her best interest at heart and, if she fails somehow and needs it, she has me to help her back up again. Because in failure is opportunity and I want to foster that in her. I also don't think she should have to live in fear of her next move possibly leaving her destitute and with nothing or no one in her corner. I've been there. It sucks.

And, while I may have been struggling when I was younger as a mom, I am not any longer. I came back swinging and God worked to restore. Joel 2:25

 

August 6, 2025

It's nice to have somewhere to vent and rant. So here are a few of those.

 

August 5, 2025

Words I absolutely hate because they have either become overused or misused so consistently they mean nothing anymore.

 

August 4, 2025

Just random thoughts again.

 

     

 

August 2, 2025

A thing I will never understand: women who brag about being "difficult." As if that's a flex. As if making people walk on eggshells around you means you're somehow powerful or interesting. As if it makes you a princess or a prized possession to be won through endurance. It doesn't. It just means you're exhausting.

If your entire personality is based on being "too much," you're not edgy. You're annoying. There's no depth in being a wreck on purpose. No trophy for seeing how many relationships you can sabotage in the name of being "unapologetically you."

There's a difference between being bold and being crass. Between being honest and being rude. Between confidence and chaos.

Grow up. Learn to communicate. Stop setting fire to everything and calling it a vibe. It's not a vibe. It's a warning label. It's aposematism. And we see it. It's crystal clear that you're a neurotic mess who would rather steamroll others than do the work to heal and grow.

 

August 1, 2025

Just some random thoughts today.

 

 

© 2025 · Jen Deluna